I had a dream about my father who has long passed away close to 16 years ago. In fact, uncannily so, I had this dream 4 days to the anniversary date of his death on 19th February 2001. The dream was so vivid that I was compelled to write it down the moment I woke up.
More to the point, the dream was incredibly healing.
See, I never dream about my father. Ever. Not once since he passed on. In fact, my sisters would think that I must be an incredibly uncaring daughter who didn't love our father enough to not even have one single dream about him.
Well, truth was, I had unresolved issues with my father.
It wasn't something I was conscious about. It was just something that over the years, I swallowed it in and kept it in, piling layers and layers over the first initial wounds. I don't even remember the actual reasons why I wasn't too comfortable about my father, why when the mere topic about my father came up, I just brushed it away and shrugged it off, going about with my life like as though everything is okay.
Everything is okay. Except that I became just another wounded daughter who had issues with her dead father, and that with every other love relationship that comes into my Life, it is akin to slapping my face with what is missing in me, in relation to my long gone father.
The Negative Repercussions
In my case, I didn't know that the reluctance for me to go back to my own hometown, the disdain I had for it, the occasional feeling, albeit intense feeling of feeling unloved and uncared for in my love relationships,... was partly due to the fact that there was this whole gap between me and dad. The feeling like something was missing, the feeling of abandonment when he died and left us, the feeling of resentment when I was told by my mum that I had to become the 'father' of the family, the responsibility and burden I felt because I was told that I had to take over and become the father.
While I could obviously have chosen to ignore and think otherwise back then, the fact remains was that I was too young to even understand it all. That, no it isn't my responsibility nor was it my burden. Things were exactly as they were. That daddy had to go not because he didn't love me, but because that was his own journey to take.
My dream really opened my eyes to how one small snippet of an inaccurate perception of a situation could have a huge chain reaction on how we all then go on to live our lives. How one feeling of abandonment, resentment and betrayal could have chain effects on how we respond to all our other relationships and to Life as a whole. How it could lead to the unhealthy seeking of love, acceptance, and understanding from outside of us, without realizing that it is what is within us which needs to be healed.
Being healed sounds almost cliché, but it is a real truth.
What we are often looking for on the outside in the physical world of form, actually has a Source from which it comes from, which is inside of us. When this place inside of us is not healed, not properly dealt with, it tends to show up in our lives in the form of less than comfortable feelings and situations, like relationships that are not what we wish it can be, situations which we prefer not to be in.
This dream brought me to a point of complete acceptance, and a feeling of “completion” with my father. I was able to call him “Father” in mandarin, one singular word of “Ba”, a word I never uttered in the last 16 years of my life. When I woke up, I knew that whatever unresolved with my pops was finally resolved. The sense of unease I have with my hometown now is gone, and I now feel a sense of love and acceptance towards it.
I felt love, and loved by my father, complete fulfilling love inside of me filling me like golden warm elixir, peace of God.
I felt like home, like as though a gap within me has finally been filled, and I am held in this incredibly warm embrace of peace, comfort and security,
For the first time in ages,.. I felt proud to be called his daughter.
For the first time, I finally realized that home is no other place than what is already there inside of me.
Everything which haven't worked in my relationships, all the pain, hurt and anger pales in comparison to this feeling. The need to be pursuing for love outside of me and for people to understand me suddenly falters away. It didn't even matter anymore if people didn't feel the same way towards me as I do them, and I suddenly seemed to be able to see what was toxic and not working in my life and felt completely at ease at letting it all go.
I suddenly saw that the love that I was looking for, the place of security and comfort which I used to think is outside of me, is all already there inside of me, and we can all access it, each and every one of us, if only we all know how to unlock the pent up valves within each of us that carries all our past pain and baggage.
The Home Run
Your relationships with others in your life are greatly affected by your relationship with the ones who brought you into this world, - your parents.
It wasn't until this dream when this saying finally hit home. When after 10 long years of my spiritual journey, I finally, understood..
I am not saying to everyone that we should all try to heal our unresolved issues with our parents, but who knows, maybe it is worth a try.
One of the one ways to start is to understand that everyone is only behaving in ways that they know how to and they can only love in a way they know how. More often than not, it is a wiring in their brains, a conditioning they have had throughout all their lives causing them to have a narrow view/perspective of Life, a mental condition/illness, even genetic influence.
So if we really want to start pointing fingers, we will have to start going through the ancestral lines and if we are not behaving out of a solid conscious choice, who is there to forgive?
Maybe one day, we'd realize that forgiveness is not necessary, and only a mere understanding is required.
Sometimes we don't understand why certain things happen, but what is true is the only one way we can deal with reality is to begin to make peace with the fact that we don't know why things are as they are, and why people behave in ways that hurt us. The only way to become at peace, is to stop fighting reality, and be okay with whatever that arises in yours. Again that never means tolerating abuse in any way shape or form. Put up a hand, walk away if you have to. Do something about it where you can. But in situations where we really don't seem to have a choice, it is often a wiser thing to do to acknowledge and make peace with What-Is, than fighting with it in your head and tarnish your inner space.
Life happens in the funniest of ways, in ways least unexpected. I certainly did not expect that healing would happen this way, in that I could be resolving a long standing issue I had with my father who has long gone through a dream.. but prior to this, neither did I realized how wonderfully healing it could be.